withholding.
That seems to be happening to me a lot lately.
It seems as though the people who gave me life, who supposedly have “loved me since they first laid their eyes on me” could care less about my well being and safety, let alone my happiness, than someone that I’ve only known for 4 years or less.
It’s this whole feeling of inadequacy again. I’ve tried reconciling with this person ever since they reappeared in my life (after going MIA for 9 years) around this time last year. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never good enough. I don’t reply to an email fast enough, or I don’t meet their expectations. The latest disappointment? I missed their phone call on my birthday, and to them, that translates as “obviously I am no longer speaking to you.” Right. That makes sense. Because I’m sitting by the phone on pins and needles on my birthday waiting to answer in case they call.
So said person sends, er, sent me money every month to go towards my car. Initially, said person was to buy me a brand new car…which turned into, nah. I’ll help you buy a used car…which turned into, I’ll just give you $5000 and you figure it out….which turned into, I’m going to divide $5000 over the course of 2 years and you figure out what to do…which is now, you didn’t answer your phone so now you’re not getting any money.
So now, here I am. Left again. Left me as a little girl, and now again. I’m starting to notice a pattern here. I don’t understand. So I’ve already got like 3 part time jobs (4 if you include my internship)….but it’s still barely enough to pay my bills. Not to mention, Christmas is coming and I have to get like a gillion presents. But now it’s time to look for an actual job, job.
On Halloween eve, I said that I’m tired of pretending to walk around like everything’s fine, and hiding behind that mask. But now, I wonder if it’s better that I just disappear in general. Just work and school and that’s all I can do. And maybe, that’ll keep people from withholding from me.
