Rachael Reflecting...

comparison.

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all dealt with some sort of comparison in our life—whether it’s something as simple as putting two shirts side by side and seeing which one is the better fit, or comparing yourself to a celebrity or someone you admire, we compare things all the time. Comparing is a nice tool we can use to eliminate an option so we can make a final decision, but it can also be a very bad thing, or so I found out this past week. 

I won’t go into detail about my birth mother here, but obviously, I’m not living with her for a reason. So if you don’t know me, go ahead and let your imagination run free. But with every child comes a mother, and father. My father is no better than my mother. He basically told me, in a nutshell, that I am my mother’s child. And I quote from a lengthy email I received from him… 

worth.

So how can you see what your life is worth 
Or where your value lies? 
You can never see through the eyes of man 
You must look at your life, 

Look at your life through heaven’s eyes.

—Through Heaven’s Eyes (Prince of Egypt). 

Okay. So it’s obvious that I’m a weirdo and I watch too many movies, and have so many song lyrics memorized, it’s crazy…and I’m a little ADD…cuz this little tidbit has nothing to do with my title. I digress… 

So for a while, I’ve been saying that I’m feeling inadequate—not good enough. Others have said that I’m sensitive. Most don’t even care either way. But a select few say how proud they are of me and are supportive of me in whatever I do. But in listening to this song, and paying attention to the lyrics, it made me realize that I never think about what God would think as He’s looking down on me. In everything I do, I try and give it to God. Whether it’s good or bad, I thank Him, and go to Him for thanksgiving, praise, help, guidance, and comfort. 

Lately, despite how hectic my life has been, between church, choir, working at Bath and Body Works, interning for my seester, going to dinner with my other seester and her kiddos, and barely being at home with my family, (there I go again!) I am so thankful for every single one of these things, and the role that I play with each one.

Today would have technically been my first full week of employment at Bath and Body Works. I’ve only officially worked one day, and we had a team meeting on Sunday. Even so, I got a call from one of the managers who asked if I could come to work on Saturday, because the VP of BBW is coming in, and they wanted me to be there because they are impressed by my work ethic, and what good things I’m already bringing to the team. 

At church, whether I’m in the nursery playing with the kiddos, or singing with ensemble or choir, I get such positive, uplifting feedback. Whether it’s about how much the kids talk to their parents about me after they leave, and that they can’t wait until next Sunday, or how I “glow” while I’m up there singing.

I am also extremely blessed to be able to work with my seester and her event planning company. I get to work, play, and have fun with someone that I love! How awesome is that? And even though I’ve like bailed on her TWICE, because of everything else that is going on, she is still 100% supportive of me and what I do. 

Oh yeah. I’ve also got another seester (who along with the aforementioned seester) who is always there to hear me blabber about what goes on in my life on like an hourly basis via Facebook lol. She, too, is extremely supportive, and funny, and loving, and I am blessed to have her in my life as well. 

And, oh yeah…there’s this one guy, who is a very strong Christian, and seems to actually like me (and all my craziness) just for me??…. :)

True, there are other issues going on in my life, but I’m not dwelling on them anymore. I’m focusing on the POSITIVE, and the path that I think God is leading me on. Even though I’m exhausted, I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in a long time. And truthfully, I don’t think these things would be happening if I didn’t have my faith. It’s all in His timing. So maybe if times get hard, and I start to question my worth, or value, I should start looking at my life through heaven’s eyes. 

Did I mention I’m ADD and not the most eloquent of writers? haha

hopeful.

Alright. So I know my past couple of blogs have been pretty bleak-sounding, I’m not gonna lie. But while I was writing those blogs, I found that I was choosing to dwell on the negative, rather than pause to thank God for the many blessings he grants me with every. single. day. I’m not going to say that what I was (and partially still am) dealing with is easy or meaningless…and writing about it did help. But as we approach the holidays, I’m going to try and make it a goal to write at least one thing that I’m thankful for each day. I may not post it every day, but I am going to write it in my prayer journal. 

One of the pastors at my church gave a sermon about being thankful. I will say though that is wasn’t your every day shpeel about “think about all the people who don’t have things” or “stop taking things for granted,” because let’s admit it—we’ve heard that speech about 100 times over, right? Instead, he said that even if there’s days where there’s absolutely nothing going right, and you’re just miserable, to just stop what you’re doing. Take a deep breath. And think of the little things that we don’t even bother to acknowledge on a day to day basis. Like having ten fingers and ten toes. Having the ability to walk and talk. 

So today, I am thankful for the people that God has placed in my life. He always puts the right people in the right place at the right time, and I’m so blessed to call them my family, “seesters”, brother, nieces, nephew and loved ones. 

happy.

:)

I’m just really happy right now. Which is nice, because for the past week or so my blogs have been kind of bleak. But I think today was a prime example of things happening for a reason, and God putting certain people in your life at the right time :)

withholding.

That seems to be happening to me a lot lately. 

It seems as though the people who gave me life, who supposedly have “loved me since they first laid their eyes on me” could care less about my well being and safety, let alone my happiness, than someone that I’ve only known for 4 years or less. 

It’s this whole feeling of inadequacy again. I’ve tried reconciling with this person ever since they reappeared in my life (after going MIA for 9 years) around this time last year. It seems like no matter what I do, it’s never good enough. I don’t reply to an email fast enough, or I don’t meet their expectations. The latest disappointment? I missed their phone call on my birthday, and to them, that translates as “obviously I am no longer speaking to you.” Right. That makes sense. Because I’m sitting by the phone on pins and needles on my birthday waiting to answer in case they call. 

So said person sends, er, sent me money every month to go towards my car. Initially, said person was to buy me a brand new car…which turned into, nah. I’ll help you buy a used car…which turned into, I’ll just give you $5000 and you figure it out….which turned into, I’m going to divide $5000 over the course of 2 years and you figure out what to do…which is now, you didn’t answer your phone so now you’re not getting any money. 

So now, here I am. Left again. Left me as a little girl, and now again. I’m starting to notice a pattern here. I don’t understand. So I’ve already got like 3 part time jobs (4 if you include my internship)….but it’s still barely enough to pay my bills. Not to mention, Christmas is coming and I have to get like a gillion presents. But now it’s time to look for an actual job, job. 

On Halloween eve, I said that I’m tired of pretending to walk around like everything’s fine, and hiding behind that mask. But now, I wonder if it’s better that I just disappear in general. Just work and school and that’s all I can do. And maybe, that’ll keep people from withholding from me. 

introvert vs. extrovert.

According to Miriam Webster, an introvert is someone who  is prone to “concentrate or direct upon oneself.” Alternately, an extrovert is someone who is a “gregarious and unreserved person.” 

I tend to look at these two words more in terms of how someone tends to recharge. Biologically, I am an only child. I could play by myself for hours and hours and be happy as can be, and not to see a single person. I liked playing with my friends, but I seemed to work best by myself. I still have the tendency to do the same today. In high school if there was a project, and we were given the option to work in a group or solo, I’d take the solo route. I’m not shy by any means, but I just like being by myself. Based on all of these things, I would call myself an introvert—a person who recharges best by being alone—flying solo. 

But starting this summer, a lot of that has changed. As you can see, I deal with some pretty rough things, as do we all. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping at night, and I wasn’t quite sure why. I did a concert called Testify: On Tour that would change my life for the better in so many ways. I’ve met people, who I consider some of my closest friends, and my “la famiglia” if you will (aside from my own beautiful family.) Some of us are a little attached to our cell phones and Facebook. So we would talk pretty late at night. And even though it was late when we would say “ttyl” and “good night,” I have found that I slept better than ever before. We would go to various restaurants in the wee hours of the morning after our shows, and we would just laugh, and talk, and laugh some more, and it was so much fun. I would wake up every morning so happy and motivated. And if there was a rehearsal later on in the day, even though I would be tired, I would be so excited to get to that rehearsal to see my friends. So based on all of these things, I would say I’m definitely an extrovert- a person who recharges best by being with others- a social butterfly. 

So I guess I’m a tween. I’ll come up with a better name for it later. I don’t really know what it might be. But what I do know is that I’m missing those friends, and seeing them in person. We get to schedule things here and there, but it’s not nearly the same as it was during my best summer ever. Thank goodness for social networking.